Diary of a Baby Zebra

Not me

When I told my friend Chris I was training to become a Roller Derby ref he had only one question for me: “Are you having a mid-life crisis Max?” he said, resting a hand on my shoulder.

He had a point too, upon joining I’d simultaneously quit my oh-so cushy government job to again pursue a career in the film industry (the last stint didn’t really go too well), I was 31 and I’d decided on the derby name ‘Beige Thunder’. The signs weren’t good. If I’d gone out and bought a flash new motor I wouldn’t probably be having a fully fledged identity crisis. However as I pointed out to him:-

a) I couldn’t  afford a flash motor. Or a motor. But I did have a BMX.

b) I’d never actually grown up – sure I was 31 physically but mentally I was still in puberty – I think I plateaued at around 19 and never really recovered. So to claim I was regressing was ridiculous. 1-0 to me.

However beyond all the above there were some very good reasons why I was joining Roller Derby, it wasn’t just about looking at girls bums as he insisted. For one I’d get to do some exercise, which would be novel, secondly I’d be able to keep a beady eye on my girlfriend who’d recently joined, not that I’m possessive (I SAW HER FIRST!) and lastly I’d get to be involved in a sport I actually really liked. Which was a concept I’ve had to feed to my male friends in bite sized chunks.

For years I’d been blindly following Premier League football without realising one thing – I don’t really enjoy it. The players were more often than not over paid imbeciles (who couldn’t spell – I follow them on twitter, I can’t help it) , the ticket prices were exorbitant, match day atmosphere hostile and it’s still perfectly acceptable behaviour to hate a stranger based on who they supported.

Roller Derby was the antithesis of this for me. People had fun. They played Rage Against the Machine. I had a good time regardless how the Femmes did (I’ve only seen them win once to date), it wasn’t treated like the most important thing in the world and above all there was always a nice vibe at a bout; between the teams and in the stands. People seemed to genuinely love playing the sport even at an amateur level, it showed in the bouts and on the players faces and I respected people’s committment.

So I joined up. I really think there were worse ways to spend my free time and I wanted to show my support.

I’ve now been skating for five weeks and enjoyed every moment of it. I’m still useless. Still confused by the rules. Still having difficulty moving cones and skating (co-ordination… fail…) But I’m getting there and hoping that eventually (touch wood) I’ll be able to NSO one day without making a complete tit out of myself. I’ll let you know how I get on.