Timing is everything
I recently met up with a few friends in a London pub to discuss respective careers and got reminded of a particularly low point in my life that I’d like to share with you. Mainly because it’s now so far in the past that it’s actually fairly amusing. It’s time to take ownership and laugh.
Basically about five years ago I was working at a company that I really wanted to make a good impression at, I was given a temporary contract with the company lasting no more than one month and I wanted to stay. So I did all the things one should; worked hard, stayed late, attempted to network with influential people in my own overenthusiastic and cack handed way.
(It should be added that this incident occurs about three months after the disaster at the Japanese embassy where my interview was basically terminated when I got into a weighty discussion about The Rape of Nanchang – which is not a subject a prospective English teacher should tackle with three elderly Japanese men – they’d rather, y’know, skip that whole messy episode. So this was a bad time for me and my confidence was quite low.)*
Anyway so one day I was at the company and I went to the toilets (as you do) and to my horror I walked into the first cubicle to find that someone had blocked the toilet with a massive poo. They hadn’t even tried to hide the evidence with layers of bog roll, they’d just left it there proudly for everyone to see like their children’s art work. So I recoiled in horror and went to another cubicle.
After dropping the kids off at the pool I was washing my hands when the most senior individual of the company came into the toilets, I looked in the mirror and could see that he’d walked into the first cubicle and was clearly appalled with what he’d discovered.
It was at this point we made eye contact in the mirror and, knowing full well he detested my very presence, I thought to myself “this is your opportunity Max, win him over with a bit of banter.” So, seeing how he’d recoiled at the sight of the offending poo I said to him, smiling broadly and pointing at the cubicle, “I just did that.”
Of course he was utterly appalled with me, the shaking of his head gave it away. He stormed out of there so bloody fast I couldn’t actually explain what I meant. Christ, he didn’t even do his business. I’d disgusted him to the point where he couldn’t even bring himself to poo in my presence, which I didn’t think was possible.
I immediately got that sinking feeling you get when you drop a massive fucking, career ending, clanger and wanted to run after him to rectify the situation, however he was not the sort of guy who wouldn’t converse with me at the best of times so I thought chasing him through the offices and discussing toilet bowls was probably akin to career suicide (although I was seriously crashing and burning at this point). The wisest thing I did that day was stay in the toilet to swear at myself.
Needless to say my contract was never extended and I never returned to the company.
* Tip for anyone wanting to teach in Japan: When they say “Have you read any books on Japan?” Don’t proudly regail them with tales of the Japanese army raping and killing tens of thousands of women and children. Trust me on that. Pultzer award winning or not they don’t give a shit.
