I’m living a lie!
So recently I’ve been going to my local Starbucks in Central London and engaging in some very very unsavory activity. I believe the legal term for it is deception (if you want to be picky). Basically my local Starbucks is adjacent to a hospital where all NHS staff get 15% off their purchases. And how do they know you’re a doctor, nurse or whatnot?
Well they possess a small white security card round their neck on a blue cord. Just like my security pass.
You can probably see where this is going from a mile off can’t you?
The first time I went in there I admit I attempted to put the record straight in a half hearted way. The employee asked if I was a doctor and I laughed and and asked if he was ‘feeling okay?’ to which he just smiled and said, “Well I just needed to check before I give you your discount.”
A light bulb flashes above my head.
“Well its good you checked” I said. Ha! Aren’t I cunning?
Furthermore the discount transpired to be 15%. Well I wasn’t going to argue with that. And I didn’t even have to lie per se. It’s not like I uttered the word ‘yes’ and wheeled out some extravagant back story, I just let them come to their own assumptions. I didn’t even know they offered discounts until they alluded to it. They practically invited me to lie.
Anyway it was fortunate they didn’t ask many questions as the only medicine I know comes from medical dramas. And when I say medical dramas I mean Scrubs.
However this was a few months ago and the water is getting murkier. I’m trying to walk a very fine line between suitably dangling my pass in front of their faces as I order (thus allowing them to think I’m with the NHS) and deflecting any questions they have with glib, non commital comments. I comfort myself in the knowledge that I’ve never claimed to be a doctor or work for the NHS. That’s what I’ll tell them when they corner me. Who can argue with the facts? Also they don’t ask often. I’ve only have to give the three following answers.
1) “How is the hospital today?”
“Still standing I’m sure! Iced cafe mocha puhleasseeee.”
2) “What have you been doing today?”
“Ohhhhh just solving problems as usual! (dramatically mops brow) Iced cafe mocha puhleaseee..”
3) “What sort of doctor are you?”
“Ohhhhh I’m not a real doctor! Seriously! You’d do a better job than me! Hahahahahaaa (please don’t ask any more questions) ahahahahaha.”
Iced cafe mocha tastes so much better with 45p off. I reckon I can keep milking this for at least a year. Or until someone has a heart attack at the counter and I have to leave surreptitiously via the fire exit.
“Oh is that my pager?”
And my favourite Scrubs quote of all time?
“You have delusions of grandeur!”
“Did you know I coined that term?”
Arf arf.
