Eurovision 2009 live! Eurovision as it happened.

Well it appears the rumours are true and Eurovision has somehow been sterilized. They’ve made it less a freak show for Europe’s kingdoms and more a singing competition. Which is a shame.

There was alot of earnest warbling and singing and glum faces to be had on Saturday night but shamefully few care in the community singers separating the tedium.

Anyway me and my good friend Carrie sat down to write a blow by blow account of events so if you missed it you can share in the shite. Here is what happened. Enjoy.

20:00 Cirque du Solei kick things off. Graham Norton attempts to make child catcher jokes and gives us a few facts about the group. Apparently 40% of the group are Russian.

“We don’t see enough women on uni-cycles.” He quips. Badly.

A variety of circus freaks appear and do their thing.

20:05 Last year’s winner, Dima Bilan, a metro sexual crooner in lipstick descends form the sky attached to wires. The Russian audience act like a medieval crowd of simpletons and go mental like its the most fantastic thing that the world has ever seen.

20:07 Dima Bilan runs through a few stunt walls made of cardboard which explode into glitter before he starts ’singing.’ There is a touch of Bruno about him.

Graham makes a few more bad jokes about health and safety.

“He’s totally miming.” Says Carrie before we’re given a dramatic slow mo flash back to his wall running escapades. They’re milking it for all their worth. Its like that old Levi advert but more pantomime.

20:10 “Presenters! Presenters!” Shouts Carrie as two glossy manikins emerge stage right. She dubs them Barbie and Ken. Barbie has a nose that a plane could land on. She is spray tanned to an inch of her life.

She babbles on about the weather being amazing in Russia. Graham disagrees and says it was hailing yesterday.

The male presenter shouts instead of speaking.”Stop yelling!” Says Carrie to the presenter “This isn’t a Cillit Bang advert.”

We’re officially under way.

20:12 Lithuania – Sasha Son – Love.

It starts off with a bald bloke pretending to be Alica Keys, playing on a piano and warbling in a language that closely resembles English. Its not exactly setting the world on fire.

Carrie makes snoring noises.

Drama!!!! He gets up from the piano and walks across the stage. The piano magically still plays.

“FIX!!!” yells Carrie like its Watergate “Fail!!”

Now he’s singing in Lithuanian. Shit in two languages. Nil points.

“I BRING YOU FIRE!!!” The finale is him producing a small humble flame from his hands.

Is that it?

20:16 Israel – Noa and blah blah “There must be another way.”

I smell political bullshit.

An Arab and Jewish woman singing together? Controversial. This is more like it. Its dreadful, very phlegmy and overly sincere. The two singers circle each other like wolves, tentatively touching hands. I can’t hear much over the noises of derision from my sidekick.

“Can they be put on fire?” Questions Carrie.

Its very drab. Eventually it ends before I slip into a coma.

20:20 France – Patricia Kaas – Et S’il Fallait Le Faire (a.k.a. Allow me to bore you to death)

French Bond theme. The crowd love it, although this is maybe due to this ladies existing popularity in Russia rather than this song – as this song alone would be justification for a public stoning.

The lady in question is a miserable looking Glen Close look-a-like whose act consists of singing alone on stage.

Not a backing musician in sight? This is very unEurovision.

Words are flashing up on the screens behind her…. “If I had to….”

Was she forced to sing under duress? Bloody looks it.

Jesus. It isn’t the intro to a dramatic song, just one long intro. For the finale she’ll probably slash her wrists. This is the equivalent of Chinese water torture but in the French.

Carrie questions what I’m writing for this song? I shrug. Nothing has really happened so I’m just being bitchy innit?

It’s over before it has begun. I feel like I’ve aged significantly.

20:24 Sweden – Malena Ernman (a.k.a. nice bit of ‘Poporea’)

“Can you keep a secret? Cannnnnn you keep a secret????” Squeals Malena as she enters the stage and bursts into some techno opera. If the secret is a) you take steriods or b) you were born a man then I’m afraid I can’t keep your secret. It’s really self evident.

“Its a man!!!!” screams Carrie happily as a muscular Denise Van Outen slides into view and we’re given some controversy to chew on.

Its got everything. Strobe lighting, ambitious camera angles, dancing side kicks and a good and bad theme going on.

“This should be the opening theme to the Olympics.” says Carrie. She’s not wrong. Its quite good. But it gets better…

POW! Suddenly she’s hitting some stonking high notes! Which is amazing considering she might have a penis and a scrotum. Her sidekicks (dressed all in black) now have adorned themselves with diamond leaf face masks for no reason.

“She is terrifying” says Graham, echoing Carrie. I think its unanimous. She’s harbouring some fugitive male genitals. She could probably snap your neck like breadstick.

20:28 Croatia – Igor Cukrov – Lijepa Tena

Smarmy looking Croatian man mixed with the Dread Pirate Roberts starts singing whilst his backing singers are assaulted by an enthusiastic wind machine.

(They’re ‘undulating’ according to Carrie. Must get dictionary.)

Dramatic costume change! One of his windswept side kicks flings away her black robe and is now clad in white. Ohh the contrast. She simmers forward for a duet.

“Oh ohhhhhhh!” Says Carrie as the cameraman locks onto the woman. She’s a bit of a beast to say the least. As soon as the cameraman realises his folly by focusing on this swamp donkey he immediately ‘blurs’ out.

He doesn’t go back for seconds.

“Oh dear.” Says Carrie. Sympathetically.

She’s not great but I wouldn’t rule her out, any port in a storm and all.

20:32 Portugal -Flor de Lis – Todas as Ruas Amor

LADIES AND GENTS WE HAVE A COLOUR STAGE!!! The back ground now looks like a cross between the teletubbies garden and an acid trip.

It’s quite a jolly number with a pleasant plump girl singing in front of a jolly country band of childrens TV presenters armed with, amongst either things, an accordion.

I have no idea what the song is about but I’ve labelled it ‘Shinny Happy Croatians.’ REM should sue.

“This one isn’t making me fall asleep.” Says Carrie. Which is a sort of a compliment before adding “It looks like Rainbow Bright threw up on stage.”

I have no idea what they’re singing about but they have torn up the evenings monochrome opera theme and are skipping around with gay abandon.

10 points for effort.

20:35 Iceland – Yohanna – Is It True?

The girl reminds me of Amy Adams in Enchanted. She looks positively virginal and dangerously illegal.

The whole thing has a Disney-esque charm going for it.

Yohanna belts out luke warm and wholly inoffensive pop song. It’s not half bad without being mind blowing.

“Dolphin!” Shouts Carrie as a Dolphin floats across the screen in the background of clouds. I think the set has been designed by a 12 year old girl.

If there was a drinking game involving downing shots everytime a wind machine cropped up even George Best would have been shit faced by this stage.

This wasn’t too bad actually.

Blazing into the lead. Iceland!!!

20:39 Greece – Sakis Rouvas – This is our Night!!!

Whoa! Greece’s answer to Chico!!! A man made of entirely of grease swaggers on stage with a clan of backing dancers and throws themselves at the mercy of the Gods of Eurovision with some Robot dancing and, for the lead dancer, a shirt three sizes too small. The gay has arrived.

All starts brilliantly enough but they continue through the camp sound barrier with reckless aplomb and POW! the lead singer does a John Travolta leap off stage!!! Fire works in the background! If you could win just by looking like an energetic bell-end Greece have this in the bag. Euro pop tastic…..

He’s now leapt back on stage (make your mind up) and is gesticulating from his tread mill to his sexy dancers like a Chippendale magician of love. “You are under my spell mwhahaha!”

This is camper than a group of ramblers in a field looking at compasses and drinking from thermos flasks dressed entirely in pink and speaking to each other only in double entendres.

“Will you erect my tent pole Martin?”

Break it down! Funky dance medley! Another leap off stage to fire works AND he’s only gone and ripped his shirt to the navel. The cheeky swine.

For a finale he stands on his stage (which is transformed into a giant stapler) and is lifted to the heavens in time to fireworks.

Euro-gay-disco-tastic.

20:43 Armenia – Inga and Annosh

Christ on a fucking bike. A harem of Armenian harpies dressed like the sheik’s sluts writhe around on stage shrieking and looking mental.

It’s a bit funky but the credit crunch is evidently keeping extravagances to a minimum. The best we have is some laser beams from their finger tips.

The girls dance around to Arabic dance beats. Its shrill and ……

“I’m all sorts of meh about that.” Says Carrie.

20:47 – Russia – Anastasia Prihodko – Mamo

I’m losing the will to type. A woman in a white bath robe is singing unenthusiastically in front of monitors projecting her ageing face. Bit gimmicky.

What is she trying to say? Something about narcissism probably.

According to Graham the singer is a billionaire’s daughter. She should ask her dad for new teeth and gym pass. God I’m a bitch but I’m not saying I’m Brad Pitt, just that if my old man was a billionaire I’m have gnashers whiter than the pearly gates of heaven and Andy McNab as my gym instructor.

“She’s lovely!” Says Carrie, reading the above, even though it was she who mentioned her teeth first. Women.

Losing the will to continue. Enya mixed with Russians? Fail.

20:50 Azerbajian – Aysel and Arash – Sing it always.

Another bloody black and white outfit theme. Azerbaijanis answer to Peter Andre and Jordan start murdering an upbeat dance song and winking to the camera like used car salesmen.

“Hate it.” Says Carrie. Me too. Ohhhh dear….. The dancers hand Peter a fake guitar with no strings that he starts air guitaring with whilst Jordan she stands aloft a wind machine and decides to show the audience her growler.

“We need a buzzer we can press with a trap door.” Says Carrie before pitching me with an idea for a cross between the Running Man and Eurovision and gibbering on about chainsaws and decapitation.

20:54 Bosnia and Herzgovina – Regina – Bistra Voda.

Graham informs us that apparently this band supported the Rolling Stones – maybe through a fan club of sorts as this is shocking. An uber serious coma inducing song performed by a rock band dressed in the purest white and armed with military drums. I have no idea what they’re singing about but I imagine its a call to lay down arms or end war or how they hate mondays or something or rather.

They look like a bundle of laughs this lot.

“We’ve nothing to write about!” Says Carrie whilst looking for dust on the floor.

Bistra Voda should be shot.

21:00 Maldova – Nelly Ciobanu – Hora Din

Warbling alert…..

“Where is Maldova?” Says Carrie. Great question. I say Russia or it was a part of Russia. Which covers all bases doesn’t it?

Brightly coloured rustic folk dance around whilst the warbler fires into a punchy chorus that makes backing dancers River Dance.

“HEY! HEY!” She chants as dancers throw themselves around like plums.

“I haven’t called anyone to win yet.” Says Carrie. Me neither. We could be in with a chance. This lot should be sectioned.

Yes I’ve hit warp bitchy factor 9.

21:04 Malta – Chira – What if we?

Fat lass alert! Or ‘big lady’ as Carrie calls her. Just her on stage. No gimmicks. Just her voice and 4 chins and the sound track to ‘Going for Gold.’

This is emotional guff.

“This could win.” Says Carrie, before caveatting and stating she categorically doesn’t like the song.

Carrie also thinks there is a wind machine on but her hair is sprayed so much it aint flinching.

Three minutes on and she’s still alone and warbling.

The end.

Carrie has realised how many countries is left and is losing the will to live.

She looks like the fat one from Hollyoaks.

21:07 Estonia – Urban Symphony – Randajand

It is literally a symphony! Sparkly Estonian gals in sparkly dresses warble through a pleasant enough number. Nothing. Is. Happening.

Carrie rates the song based purely on the fact they aren’t in black and white.

Where has all the happiness and gay people and transsexuals gone? This isn’t Eurovision! Just a conveyor belt of mediocre opera singers, power ballads and serious types with two tone wardrobes. Nothing has shocked me yet.

It ends. Totally inoffensive.

21:11 Denmark – Brinck – Believe Again.

Ronan Keating wrote this song, he’s also dressed the singer and his lent him his singing voice. The Danish guy is doing an eeriely impressively Ronan impression. He’ll rip off his face to reveal Ronan underneath for the climax.

“I want to believe in love!!!” He bellows.

“If they hadn’t said it was written by Ronan I totally would have known.” Says mystic Carrie.

Vomit inducing stuff. Guitarists high five each other in the background whilst wearing cowboy hats and the drummer bashes away with a manic grin on his face like he’s won the lottery. The Ronan bod just wears a cravat and sings like he’s straddling a harley before sliding to his knees amongst smoke, fireworks and wind machines…..

Power rock shite. This could win. Note to self. Write to Ronan and ask him to die.

21:15 Germany – Miss Kiss Kiss Bang – Alex Swings Oscar Sings

“He’s got disco ball trousers!” Says Carrie about the lead singer who sweats homosexuality, it’s shameless pop shite in the vein of Mambo No 5. This is more like the traditional Eurovision fare.

For added impact the Krauts have hired Dita Von Teese to writhe around in the back like a cat on heat, throwing her waps out and begging for our attention. However Russian state TV has been given strict orders not to focus on her which is a bit rich after their TATU stunt a few years ago where they’d have probably fisted each other on stage for more votes. Travesty. Even Carrie wants to see more Dita.

However there is a lovely tap dancing interlude (always welcome) and Dita eventually saunters up front.

The lead singer, feeling vulnerable, undoes his shirt. Logically.

Guilty pleasure ahoy!!!!!

Me and Carrie have a winner.

Graham Norton proclaims it the evenings low point. Tit.

21:19 Turkey – Hais – Dum Dum Tek Tek

Its Shakira mixed with the Pussycat Dolls. Visually at least as a posse of tone deaf slappers swivel their hips in time to a funky Turkish beat. Making fathers across Europe spit tea everywhere. Belly dancing? Check. Clapping and ‘Hey Hey Hey!’ Check. Wind machine. Checkity check.

Carrie hates this. I agree with her vocally but can see its merits. I think it’s got a decent enough chance.

In amongst the visual noise a random man in green shirt mingles with the red clad belly dancers. He must be the song writer or producer. Or lost. He’s dancing like your older brother at a wedding.

Hmmmmmm curious.

21:22 Albania – Kejsi Tola – Carry me in my dreams.

17 year old in a tutu. Two creepy clown/mime artists and a turquoise masked gimp.

“Even with the gimmicks it’s still boring!” States my increasingly bored side kick. “This is yawn tastic!”

I have no words for this song. She sits on some of her side kicks. They do some reasonable break dancing and body popping.

Carrie states that someone needs to have an accident to spice things up before again talking about the Running Man theory and the need for a chainsaw wielding lunatic.

“BORINGG!” Says Carrie before agreeing that she’s missing Terry. Even Graham Norton is boring.

21:27 Norway – Alexander Rybak – Fairytale

Zac Efron fiddles and tap dances around alot before demonstrating his talents end at singing. He’s cute enough though. He fiddles more whilst sailors do pressups around him. It’s quite off beat.

Gay undercurrent.

“I’m in love with a fairy tale!!” He screams to the crowd.

“Hmmmm more of a fiddler than a singer if we’re honest.” Says Carrie as he whips it out again (his fiddle). This is sort of a mix between Eurovision and the happy ending song at the end of a school play.

21:31 – UKRAINE -Svetlana Lobona – Be My Valentine

HOLY SHIT ON A MOTOR BIKE- OLDER BONDAGE BRITNEY WITH TOO MUCH PLASTIC SURGERY IS BROUGHT ON STAGE MY CHIPPENDALE GLADIATORS IN METAL SPINNING DISCS.

She’s dirty. Gyrating like a slag in her teens. I.e. someone twenty years her junior. There is fire. She spins to a drum set and mimes a drum solo like she’s having a fit whilst her kit is dragged across the stage by the gladiators. Fuck me sideways.

She’s screaming about her dirty bum bum. Its like your glamorous drunken Aunt winning the lottery and going squirrel shit crazy.

21:35 Romania – Elena – The Balkan Girls

Me and Carrie veto this song based on the fact she’s miming and the real singer is offstage. Rosa Parks wouldn’t stand for this sort of segregation. Ugly singers have feelings too.

Boooooooooo

21:39 England – Jade Ewen – Its My Time

Whoa! This is actually quite polished and good. All goes well until Jade gets carried away and strikes a violinist with her alien hand syndrome – she’s gesticulating wildly. Bless.

“She’s like a miss world contestant” says Carrie as Jade smiles straight down the camera. Straight into the loins of all male voters.

She’s killing us with her stupendous Mariah impersonation.

The end. Very impressive.

Andrew Llyod Webber is crying. Or his face is melting. Its hard to know.

She finishes with a stupid hair flick. Milking it like no tomorrow.

21:43 Finland -Waldos People – Lose Control

Nnnnrghhhh. Dance mixed with ageing Eminem mixed with fire dancers mixed with warbling mixed with a tonne of shite and a dash of a migraine. Its pretentious and awful. Pure Eurovision.

The rapper is wearing a bandanna and cap backwards with all the conviction of Tony Blair throwing up gang signs. He’s probably an accountant.

Carrie has incorrectly stated the chorus does sound like “I’ve feel like I’ve lost control I’ve farted.”

I think the last word is meant to be ‘fallen’ however ‘farted’ is stuck there. Damn her.

Techno techno techno!

“That was awful.” I agree. At least they’ve still got motor racing.

21:47 Spain- Soraya Arnelas – La Noche Es Para Mi

I’ve stopped caring. Its all just background noise. The sole gimmick they have is an orange towel which the lead singer uses to disappear behind.

“Make it stop!!!” Says Carrie. I agree. Carpet bomb the stadium.

The warble ends.

Carrie makes a noise like a death rattle.