Eurovision predictions (plus I’ll miss Terry)
Its going to be strange watching the Eurovision without my confidant and partner in crime Terry Wogan, gibbering in my ear luck an inebriated Uncle, sarcastically berating budget European Butlins acts. I still think he should be incorporated in it somehow, we know he’ll be watching, maybe if you push the red button we could see a web cam of him in his soiled y-fronts and smoking jacket in his living room, swaying around dangerously in his arm chair surrounded by an army of empty bottles. Sobbing sporadically at himself when no one was looking and mumbling bitterly about political voting.
“Drink! Feck! Girls!”
Instead the Beeb in its infinite wisdom has decided to promote Graham Norton to the role of bitchy commentator. Its a bold move as the appeal of Terry was that you could rely on him to save you the effort of vocalising your internal monologue. I fondly remember three years ago when the Ukrainian host, a horrid cross between a fully grown Pinocchio, a child with ADD and pedophile yelled at five hundred decibels “AND THIS SHOW HAS BEEN NICE YES? I AM HOPING TO SEE YOU NEXT YEAR! BYE!!”
“Not if we take you out back and shoot you.” Slurred Terry, sounding like a drunk Gerry Adams.
Classic.
Graham Norton in comparison will be in Heaven, and I don’t mean the gay club, that’d look like a Yorkshire working mens club during the miners strike compared to the events which will unfold on Saturday night. He’ll rip them to bits but he’ll be loving the garish brilliance of it all, the barbs won’t carry the same weight as Terry was a man who truly despised Eurovision and I suspect watched it for the same reason people slow down at traffic accidents. You just can’t help but look at all the carnage. What they really needed to do was get either Prince Philip, Brian Blesssed or even Boris Johnson in, it’d spark an international relations incident but it’d be worth it to see Philip eventually apologise for questioning whether the host had a visa.
“They’re not in the country your majesty.”
“Not yet….” Philip will reply whilst loading his shotgun.
Anyway here are 5 things I’m looking forward to this Saturday:-
1) The camera cutting to the English entry as Ireland finally give us a handful points and a wooden spoon. Jade Ewen will smile and wave over enthusiastically at the camera and mouth ‘please remember me’ whilst Sir Andrew Llyod Webber will also smile but only with the aid of two assistants diligently pulling back whatever loose skin they can find on his face with industrial strength bull dog clips so he can bear his teeth.
Small children around Europe will ask Mummy whats wrong with lecherous mans face.
“I think he’s a burns victim.” They will reply as a cold shiver runs down their spine.
2) One Eastern European entry will, from first glances appear to be a beautiful woman. You’ll sit up and take note until the camera pans closer and you realise she has hands like shovels, biceps like bags of potatoes and a neck so wide that she could swallow a bowling bowl without it touching the sides. She’ll be awful.We’ll all laugh at how bad it is.
There is a 50% chance she will win.
There will also be a stunning beautiful Eastern European girl who will sing an amazing ballad and be EVERYONES favourite in the room to win. She will finish mid table. Every sane person in Europe will wonder what the fuck is going on.
3) There will be a moment where you’ll be laughing so hard at an act that is so horrendous that you exam your drink for traces of drugs. They will be playing dance music with just cow bells and spastic confidence and just when it reaches an unbearable crescendo of awfulness and your stomach feels fit to burst four orange midget contortionists will parachute onto the stage and fellatio each other into a magnificent climatic finale where they orgasm at the precise moment the confetti rains down. The crowd will go bananas.
You promise yourself never to go to Estonia.
4) The camera will cut to a country, probably Finland which has decided to hire an anchor who has the worlds shiniest teeth but was only introduced to the English language the day before programming and has the IQ of a pile of wood shavings. Somehow, despite twenty other countries already showing them how it is done, they’ll conspire to fuck up reading out a list of countries and numbers. In the end it gets so painful the computer will update the scores without them and they’ll be cut them off as their trying to pronounce Lichtenstein.
If Terry was there he’d just gently chuckle to himself and say “Ohhh jesus…. the Finns…. someone take the happy juice off her.”
See also:- A anchor in one country has to apologise and stop proceedings to jam their tongue up the host countries arse and search for lost gold with a cringe inducing speech ‘Before I give out the points I just have to say Natasha you look beautiful and wow what an amazing show you have put on. You guys are fantastic.’ The host will return this compliment by laughing insincerely and asking them to get on with it.
See also:- The French are the only country to show their contempt for proceedings by refusing to speak English when they give out their points.
See also:- Agonising delay between presenters and awarding country. Anchor in Khazistan wearing animal skins will looks at head piece like some foreign alien technology. “Haaaaalllloooooo. Can. Anyone hear me?”
See also:- One country each year must supply a swamp donkey with a mono-brow to read out the results. Causing everyone to go silent. Sometimes Britain use Loraine Kelly.
5) One country will supply an act which is knowingly taking the piss and will be amazing or will actually be so genuinely good you actually forget you’re watching Eurovision. Chances are they’ll crash and burn without a trace. There will be also one contestant who has far too much plastic surgery. There is a danger they will melt if they get too close to the lighting rig.
Please see: -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXD_oJlspiA
